Those places where the world seems to end - my dad's front porch, the beach, the mountains - you're there.
Those songs, those memories, that urge to throw my arms up and scream "I'm the pole, GO!" - you're there.
These yellowing pictures, my fading memory of your laugh, and my Sync in my truck mistaking your name for something else I've said because I have refused for so long to delete you - you're there, but you're not there.
No matter if my Sync is willing to call "Bebe", you won't answer. It's not your number anymore.
Damn it! Why? I should be done with this. It should be blanketed away, patched over in my heart. It shouldn't still feel this fresh, this new...
But I still remember seeing you that last time. We were in my kitchen on July 3rd of 2010 - I was 12 weeks pregnant and addicted to pickles. I warmed you up a hamburger because you were late. While it was microwaving, I was sucking the juice out of pickles and throwing them in the sink because swallowing them made me sick. You laughed your laugh at me. Then you begged me to come out with you on July 4th and I told you no, because I had to work a 12 hour shift. I should've said yes... Just to see you again alive. Just to hear your wonderful laugh. Just to see how you brightened up any group of people. Your soul was so beautiful... and on July 7th, that was it. You were gone. Your book end closed that day and you left your readers angry. Too young and too vibrant to just be - gone.
Life is and will never be the same without you living on this Earth. I don't think I'll ever be able to say goodbye to you, even though I've buried you. I've brought flowers to your grave. I've thought about you every single day since you've been gone.
Maybe my "Bebe" book will finally close when I see your name in stone. I'm going in 21 days. 21 short days and I'll see your headstone for the first time. Your 25th birthday is 13 days away. Damn it. Why?
NYC Skyline
Amanda, I know its not the same but its all I know to say...people compare divorce to death. I'm not saying you know how I feel and I know how you feel but we can relate in that we lost something that was near and dear to our heart. Its different for me, in that God has healed the wound and brought someone else special into my life. However, at the time my whole being ached...even my soul. Its hard to explain. I never knew a person could feel such emotional agony. I think what's the hardest part to let go is the time. Its a part of your life. That sounds selfish but its true. You have spent years with that person...getting to know everything about them, telling them your secrets, etc. Then, without a warning, its over! Why didnt I get a say in this? It's not fair! But what I have come to terms with is God gives us free will and other people's decisions affect our lives...a domino effect. My ex's bad decisions affected me and those close to me. Whoever was the other person in the accident involving your friend; they made a decision which affected her and many others as well. That's why our choices are important and should selfless instead of selfish. Im sorry your heart still hurts. Mine does at times but just because of the act done. At the time, I couldn't see that God was working out a situation that would better my life forever and even though it was a hard situation to go through, I'm glad I went through it if it brought me where I am now! It will get better! Sending hugs and love from my heart to yours. Love you Manda Panda
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