I am a dreamer. Always have been. Ask my husband, though, and he'll probably tell you something different. Where I'm a more realistic day-to-day dreamer, he is a laying-in-the-grass, imagining-pirate-ships-in-the-clouds kind of dreamer. He calls me the "Dream Crusher". What a name, eh? But when he shoots for the moon with these off the wall ideas, I am the person who gently puts a weight on the idea and reminds him of reality and practicality. 

But I've had one of those pirate-ship-shaped-cloud dreams since I was a teenager. It all started with a movie. A silly movie that should've had me more enthralled with the Australian male lead than with New York City. Promise you won't laugh, ok?

You didn't laugh, did you? Anyways, that movie planted the seed in my mind. I couldn't sleep the night that I watched it and I immediately started planning my move to the city with my cousin, Katy, when we turned 18. Watching Violet, the main character, tramp all around NYC trying to make it made me yearn to do the same. That, coupled with ten years of watching these kids make it in NYC pretty much sealed the deal for me.

If Rachel can just show up on someone's door step and figure out her new life in The Big Apple, surely I can too... right?

Fast forward to 2012. I'm 25 and haven't lived further than three hours away from where I was born. I've followed stupid boys (or was I the stupid one for following? Another blog for another day...) here and there but I wound up back in Hernando, Mississippi. I am married to the love of my life (who wasn't one of those boys I followed around, believe it or not!) and our little family is about to become four-strong. So what happened to my dream?

It's always been there, mulling in the back of my brain. In those creative writing courses, I used to daydream about what it would be like to live in the big city and write for my groceries. I watch old reruns of Sex and the City and crave the tall buildings and seemingly infinite opportunity. I have visited both NYC and Chicago and let me tell you, either one would supremely satisfy this urge that's set up shop in my heart. When I had to leave those cities and come home, I left a little piece of myself buried there amongst the crowded streets, the picturesque buildings, and the quaint neighborhoods.

So what am I doing about it? I've decided that if I'm going to rewrite my stars, I've got to do something different. I've got to get away from the restaurants (although that's all I know so that's how I pay the bills, for now) and use what I went to school for. I'm sending out resumes and begging for an entry-level, unpaid internship at a literary agency, a publishing house, and pretty much any type of publication in Chi-town and NYC. I've probably sent 50 resumes and cover letters, explaining how Bad A. I am and why "x" company should hire me for free. I'm talking to people that live and work in the cities and I'm looking for an apartment. I'm dreaming all day, every day about how I'm going to get there and how I'm going to make it work once I do get there. JD has said that we can do this one day, when we retire. But I'm more of a "seize the day" type of person. Why do tomorrow what I can do today?

There are any number of obstacles in my path to get out of Mississippi. For one, I'm three months pregnant and that kind of makes me a ticking time bomb. For two, JD and I already have an 18-month-old whom we love with all our hearts.

Seriously - tell me that's NOT the cutest little boy you've ever seen. But nevertheless, the idea of moving with him is daunting. I'll have to figure out how to stick to his schedule while apartment hunting, moving, and finding a job. I'll probably have to find him a great daycare or an all-star nanny. And that's all okay... it's just a little daunting. Oh and not to mention our wonderful puppies. Hugo and Olive will go with us wherever we go so it should be interesting to find a place that allows not only two dogs but an English Bulldog that's 65 pounds. Not impossible... but another obstacle that would make a move unique for us.


Will this happen? Will I realize my dream? I'm not sure. What will I do when I get there? Will I be able to find a place to live and work? Also, not sure. What I do know is that I'll keep on dreaming. I'll keep stalking sites like jenhasapen.com and newnyers.com to eavesdrop on what their lives are like in Manhatten. I'll keep investigating what living feels like there. I'll keep sending resumes and begging for that entry-level position. I'll keep staring up at my pirate-ship-shaped cloud and one day, I know I'll look around and find myself in a shoebox apartment with four people and two dogs... and I'll be living a dream.

Starting around 5 years old, we ask children "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I've been asked this question my whole life and I think I may finally have an answer. I graduated high school with plans to attend nursing school at the University of Memphis. Plans changed and I decided on Pre-Med. Then I couldn't pass Chemistry I so plans changed again. I moved to MTSU and started Education courses. One elementary education class had me convinced I didn't want to commit a ton of my time and not get paid all that much for it. And we're onto another change. Nursing? Medical School? Real Estate? Veterinary School? Restaurant Manager... or even Owner?

Obviously I never quite found my fit in the world of careers. But I think I've finally found my calling - and it wasn't what I ever would have expected. I always thought I'd be a career-loving mommy once I had children but not having a passion for any particular career... well, you can see my conundrum.

In November of 2011, I walked away from my 50+ hour/week job to stay home with my son. People often ask me "What do you do all day?" or say things like "You have it so easy." Well actually, that's not really the case. I have plenty to do chasing a 15 month old and it is not easy. I get paid in snuggles and kisses. I clean the dirty and soothe the tired. I fix the problems and initiate adventures in my own living room. I wipe away tears and watch Nick Jr. too much. But you know what? I have a passion for this. I have a passion for raising my son. Who cares if I don't have a career or if I still (yes, still) don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It doesn't really matter to me because as long as I can be Mason's mommy, every thing else will fall into place. I was made to be a mom... and it's the best job I could ever have.

Those places where the world seems to end - my dad's front porch, the beach, the mountains - you're there. 

Those songs, those memories, that urge to throw my arms up and scream "I'm the pole, GO!" - you're there.

These yellowing pictures, my fading memory of your laugh, and my Sync in my truck mistaking your name for something else I've said because I have refused for so long to delete you - you're there, but you're not there.

No matter if my Sync is willing to call "Bebe", you won't answer. It's not your number anymore.

Damn it! Why? I should be done with this. It should be blanketed away, patched over in my heart. It shouldn't still feel this fresh, this new...

But I still remember seeing you that last time. We were in my kitchen on July 3rd of 2010 - I was 12 weeks pregnant and addicted to pickles. I warmed you up a hamburger because you were late. While it was microwaving, I was sucking the juice out of pickles and throwing them in the sink because swallowing them made me sick. You laughed your laugh at me. Then you begged me to come out with you on July 4th and I told you no, because I had to work a 12 hour shift. I should've said yes... Just to see you again alive. Just to hear your wonderful laugh. Just to see how you brightened up any group of people. Your soul was so beautiful... and on July 7th, that was it. You were gone. Your book end closed that day and you left your readers angry. Too young and too vibrant to just be - gone.

Life is and will never be the same without you living on this Earth. I don't think I'll ever be able to say goodbye to you, even though I've buried you. I've brought flowers to your grave. I've thought about you every single day since you've been gone.  

Maybe my "Bebe" book will finally close when I see your name in stone. I'm going in 21 days. 21 short days and I'll see your headstone for the first time. Your 25th birthday is 13 days away. Damn it. Why?

I saw the movie The Vow this weekend and was blown away. It certainly wasn't what I thought it would be. I expected to spend two hours engrossed in Channing Tatum's killer body... but instead, I was confronted with ideas of life and of forgiveness. Thoughts of grief and of being able to just. let. go.

In the movie, the opportunity to go back and erase a period of time was given to the main character, Paige. Scratch that - it wasn't exactly an opportunity for her. But her story made me think about my life and what I would go back and "forget" if I could. The age-old adage forgive and forget is often easier said than done. The conscious parts of our mind may forgive a particular action but the subconscious undercurrents will never forget. Can never forget. It'll always be there. Unless, of course, you're thrown through the windshield of a vehicle or suffer some other tortuous head injury. Paige couldn't go back and remember a whole portion of her life that made her who she is in the present. What would I do if that were the case? How would I feel if I woke up tomorrow and the last thing I remembered was middle school? Before my family fell apart, before I learned so many lessons the hard way... but also before I met my husband. Would my life take the same path it has if I were given the chance to start over in my mind? Could I wipe away the pain that's built up there for hours and days and years? 

The depths of despair and the Everests of happiness that have been my life in the past ten years have made me who I am today. The mother I am, the wife I am, the daughter I am. But could I be better if I just let go? Another thing that's easier said than done. Could you? Can you reach back in your mind and forgive someone for the one thing they did wrong and love them for the many things they've done right? Can you let it go? Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could all just let go? 

In the movie, Leo has a theory that we are all particles, floating out in this space that we call Earth. When we crash together and experience a moment of impact, those are the seconds, the moments that define our lives. These are the seemingly infinite spaces of time that make us who we are. If you could pinpoint a particular crash, would you go back and wipe it away in hopes that you could finally forget the remnants of it? Would you omit the pain even if it might change who you are today? What about if deleting that painful moment also deletes many, many happy moments along with it? Would you do it then?

I wonder if this is something that can be accomplished without a physical brain injury. I wonder if it's possible to inhale forgiveness and exhale the pain, the hurt, and the regret. And with that exhalation, is it possible to find forgetfulness? Wouldn't it be great if we could all just breathe it out? Hmm. Interesting theory, eh? 

Humor me, and let me play through this idea...

For many years now, I have wondered why bad things happen. Why do people kill each other? Why do people make viruses that infect computers simply for the pleasure of destroying someone else's property? Why do people hurt animals? Why do parents kill their own children? Why why why?

Today I learned that the evil that I've seen in people goes as deep in the world as to be microscopic. Literally. Viruses (the kind that make you sick, that is) have long been part of the world we live in and they infect everything from flowers and grass to bats, cows, and humans. A virus' only goal is to reproduce. Viruses carry DNA (that looks exactly like human DNA!) and they use that DNA to mutate the genetic material of their hosts. DNA is what tells our cells what to do. Viruses attach to healthy cells and basically take over that cell, resulting in a dysfunction that can cause a multitude of problems. Viruses such as herpes simplex 1 and 2 might just hang around on your cells and only cause you to have signs and symptoms every now and then, when you make them mad. However, the HIV virus causes your body to attack itself and eventually kill itself. It's even been suggested that there may be a virus out there that could be causing the obesity epidemic - and probably more than just a few people have it. Oh, and viruses also happen to cause the mundane problems like rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes.

So what does the original question I asked have to do with viruses? It seems that even life on a molecular level is affected by "bad" things that want nothing more than to cause harm. Viruses (which are neither living nor dead, mind you) intentionally set out every day to harm perfectly happy cells. They go knocking on the doors of our naive little cells and our innocent cells let the virus inside because that thing that wants to come in looks a little like "self"... but it's not. That's a little evil, in my opinion. Hmm.... so if life on a microbial level has issues with good and evil, then it stands to reason that bigger life forms have those same basic problems too. Is it a law of nature? Must there must be evil to balance out goodness?

Hmm... I'm still stumped about WHY bad things have to happen to good people and how people can be so malicious and evil but I at least understand that it seems it must happen. Viruses have helped plants and animals alike evolve over the past 3.8 billion years or so, resulting in Darwin's suggestion of "survival of the fittest". Weaker species have been bred off or killed off and stronger species have survived. Does the same thing happen with humans? Are we all trying to kill each other off and screw each other over just to prove who is stronger and more adept to survive?? Hmm. We must just think we are good. Food for thought on a Saturday night. :)

I've experienced death. All of us have - some more than others, some deaths have been closer than others. Some were merely a marking of time while others were the kind that change us at our core. We all know what death is and how it hurts and how it changes people.

But can a living death be experienced? Can the death of an ideal, a worldview, or of a personality haunt our day-to-day lives in the same way that ghosts of the past haunt our memories? When something or someone that was once a static force changes in some slight way - can that nameless shift follow you around, lurking in the shadows of repressed anger and bitten-back remarks?

As humans, most of us feel the insatiable urge to be around other people. We anchor ourselves in those around us and sometimes go so far as to define ourselves by our loved ones. I know I do. JD is the weight in the pit of my soul that centers me. My son is the driving force in my day. I know those two aren't going anywhere; we are bound by vows and by blood. But what about the people that aren't anchored to you? When you define yourself by your family or friends... and then those bonds begin to fade, the chain begins to go slack. Do you fight it? Do you go to battle to reinforce what's breaking? Or do you let it break? And what if what you want to do is not what you should do?

There are so many things in life that I want to figure out some day. Maybe we are not meant to figure it all out, to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I will never know. All we can do is go day-by-day, put one foot in front of the other, and fight for what we want. Pick your battles and no matter what the outcome, wear your scars proudly because at the end of the day, it's those battles that remind us that we are human.